Some people just can’t deal with unexpected situations, for example…..

The Harrowing Tale of an Amtrak Train Stuck on the Rails for 10 Hours

Maureen O’Connor — A train from Baltimore to Philadelphia stalled on the tracks for ten hours last night. With doors locked and electricity waning, passengers cried and fought for emergency rations. A local news reporter happened to be on board, and tweeted it.

D.C. reporter Stephen Tschida, of ABC affiliate WJLA-TV, was on the train as rations fell short, cold set in, and passengers swelled into an anarchic mob. As @ABC7Stephen, he chronicled it all, 140 characters at a time. Here is our brave correspondent’s story, unabridged and arranged chronologically:

Tweet transcript for Amtrak incident

After reading this, my mind wandered a bit, and came up with this alternative scenario (in ‘Tweeted’ form):

ONN4Bob: Heading to Phili. Train broke down. Bit chilly. Looked for food, none on board.

ONN4Bob: Getting colder. Shouldn’t have worn speedos and a trenchcoat.

ONN4Bob: Still sitting here, everyone is getting antsy. Nobody is saying jack.

ONN4Bob: The temp dropped to 30F, icicles are forming on my testicles.

ONN4Bob: I swear I saw a polar bear out the window. Santa flew by laughing at us.

ONN4Bob: The guy next to me is looking at me and licking his lips. Not a good sign.

ONN4Bob: I slept for a bit, woke up with the guy gnawing on my arm. I bitch-slapped him. He stopped…for now.

ONN4Bob: The train started moving…sideways. Not sure how.

ONN4Bob: Train stopped at bottom of mountain, buried in a snow bank. We were told help is on the way. I call BullSH!t.

ONN4Bob: The conductor was lynched…and eaten. I was too slow, only got the middle finger…it was bony.

ONN4Bob: Fell asleep again. Woke up, and can’t feel my feet. Looked over, and the guy next to me was rubbing his belly. He said “Thanks”.

ONN4Bob: Heard some sounds on the roof. Everyone thought we were rescued. Turned out to be a pack of wolves. Yay!

ONN4Bob: The wolves left.

ONN4Bob: Grizzlies showed up. I’d prefer the wolves.

ONN4Bob: The bears broke a window, and took the guy that ate my feet. Good riddance, prick. Bears left.

ONN4Bob: A chopper showed up from my network. We we’re saved! Yay!

ONN4Bob: They took some video and pictures, and left. F**k!

ONN4Bob: I need a new job.

ONN4Bob: The train is moving again.

ONN4Bob: We’re now upside down.

ONN4Bob: Air is getting thin in here. Feeling light headed. I hear singing.

ONN4Bob: Wasn’t singing, just everyone wheezing from the cold.

ONN4Bob: Someone started playing a Justin Bieber song on their iPod. He was pummeled to death.

ONN4Bob: Had a nice meal. I’m full, going back to sleep.

ONN4Bob: Battery in the phone is about dead. I’m hoping this will all be over soo….

I think my version is more entertaining. What do you think?

-Trystian


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